1. Actually Apologize
This one is super simple. Start by saying, "I'm sorry" or "I apologize." Many people get this part right, but it is the next few steps when things go all downhill.
2. Clearly State your Wrongdoing
In this step, you need to clearly state what you are apologizing for and what you did wrong. When you are doing this, you need to be able to honestly and openly say you are at fault in the situation. If you are not sure what you are apologizing for, you should not start an apology. You need to backtrack and listen to the person you have wrong and understand where they feel you have wrong them. IF YOU ARE NOT SORRY, DO NOT APOLOGIZE.
3. DO NOT MAKE EXCUSE!
This step is the MOST significant part. It also grinds my gears when done incorrectly. An apology is not the time for excuses. If you think the person you are apologizing to did something wrong or is an effect of what they did wrong, it is okay to request an apology from them or even say I will not apologize for your mistakes until they apologize for theirs. BUT DO NOT APOLOGIZE WITH THE EXPECTATION OF GETTING AN APOLOGY BACK. Your apology needs to stand on its own without any excuses or expectations of reprisal.
4. Plan to Move Forward
This step indicates why this situation won't happen again and what steps to take to ensure that. This plan should include the person receiving your apology. How this plan looks depends on the infraction or wrongdoing and the person. If you apologize for eating someone's food in the fridge, the plan might be to ask to make sure the person doesn't want it before eating it. However, if the infraction is infidelity, then the other person may need a lengthy step by step plan to ensure it will not happen again. This plan is dependent on the answer you will receive to the last step.
5. Ask for Forgiveness
This step is also straightforward, but many often forget it. The point of an apology is to admit wrong AND ask for forgiveness. Many people say, "I am sorry" and then expect the person to say I forgive you, but there is so much power in the asking. When you ask for forgiveness, it ties the apology with a bow of saying, "I know what I did was wrong, and I would like you to forgive me for it." There is a vulnerability in that statement which goes with the sincerity of the apology. In many ways apologizing in a vulnerable act because it humbles you, and when you wrong someone that also makes that person vulnerable and when you apologized, it also puts you in the vulnerable space, so everyone is on an equal playing field.
These steps are how to deliver a productive and real apology. Again, I firmly believe you should not apologize if you don't feel like you did anything wrong. Let's remove this notion that everyone must apologize even with children. You should also never apologize to get an apology in return because there will be cases where you will not get one back or at least not one you believe.
Let us normalize forgiving people without an apology. I would instead do the internal work to forgive someone who I feel has done me wrong, then have someone give me a half-ass insincere apology that would make me madder. Asking forgiveness can be hard, but giving forgiveness makes you strong. (That is a blog post for another week)
Most people make resolutions and new goals at the beginning of the year, but I like to prepare them for my birthday. Every year I make goals that I want to work on the next chapter of my life. I read my goals for my 25th year, and I did all of them, which makes me so proud of myself. So here are my goals for Chapter 26.
Secretly, my dream is to become a paid writer/blogger. I have done A LOT of research on this topic and attending webinars and masterclasses on how to grow my following, boost website traffic, and monetize my blog. I have already taken some steps, but I am still working on how to get there. I also researched some workshops and boot camps that I can invest in to make this dream a reality.
This process is all crazy and intense to me because this is a dream that I have had for a while now, and this is the first time I have openly allowed myself the courage to pursue it. AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING, but that is also the exciting part. I must be self-confident and passionate enough to figure out this puzzle and even go and find the pieces that are missing
I know. I know. I have said this before, but with my previous goal of trying to make “Simply Sha Sha” a brand and make it a stream of income. I need to make sure I am writing weekly. Doing this is not always easy because some weeks, I honestly have not idea what I am going to write about, but I am learning that I genuinely love writing and creating content.
Writing gives me a therapeutic release, which may be the reason that I have not been journaling as much lately, but there is A LOT of things that I WILL NOT share on the internet, so I need to start back to journaling daily as well.
More Fruits and Vegetables
This goal has more to do with treating my body better by putting things in it that are good for it. I was cooking a lot at the beginning of the quarantine, but I have been on the fast food and takeout train, and I NEED to GET OFF!!!
Cooking not only saves money but is also overall healthier for you as well. I need to start meal prepping and planning my meals out to make sure I am getting all the nutrients that my body needs.
I recently bought an elliptical, so with this healthy eating goal, I will be looking too good.
More Church and Bible Study
If you remember reading a previous blog post, “Church, God, and Me,” then you know about my journey with religion. Since I was working at the shoe store on Sundays, I have not been making it to Sunday services, but since everything is virtual and I have nothing else to do on Sunday, I want to make it a priority to attend virtual service.
I received a Christian planner with excellent ways to get closer to God, and I want to use that to help and as motivation. I feel that my relationship with God is good, but I could always strengthen it.
Continuing to Grow
I started therapy in October, and while I still have a lot of work to do, I can tell I am making a lot of progress. I am more confident and self-aware then I was a year ago. I have the tools to recognize an anxiety attack and bring myself back to reality, I can see the signs of anxiety and unpack where it is stemming from, and these are NOT things I was able to do years ago.
I have been dealing with anxiety my whole life, and since being diagnosed with my anxiety disorder, I have felt A LOT less anxious, A LOT happier and I no longer randomly burst into tears, which is GREAT. ?
I am excited to see with Chapter 26 has for me. I pray that is nothing but love and light, but if there is darkness, I pray for guidance and strength to make it back to the light and become wiser and stronger.
1. What is your full name?
QueNisha Sha Gadson
2. Where were you born?
3. What are your favorite things about yourself?
My optimism, my creativity, my openness, and, my boobs
4. Which of your parents are you closest to?
5. Which of your parents are you more like?
6. Who is your favorite celebrity?
7. What is your favorite quote?
“You must be the change you wish to see in the world”
8. What is your favorite candle scent?
9. What is your favorite social media channel?
Toss up between Instagram and Twitter
10. Are you more inclined to “build your own empire” or unleash the potential of others?
Build, but I love to help others build too. We in this together
11. Are you a dog person or a cat person?
12. What is something you've never done that you'd like to try?
13. Are you a good cook?
With the many calls to my grandmother, I’m working on it
14. Who is the biggest pack rat, you know?
My sister, TK.
15. Do you remember your dreams?
I always have very vivid dreams and remember them every morning.
16. Who sent the last text message you received?
"You butt called your godmother" - my mommy
17. Who was your first Celebrity crush?
21. How has your birth order/characteristics of siblings affected you?
I am the oldest. So, my two sisters come to me with everything which I LOVE. I give them advice and try to protect them.
22. What is the first thing you do when you get home?
Take off my shoes. The country girl in me loves not having shoes on.
23. What medical conditions do you have?
A heart murmur, allergies from hell, and an anxiety disorder.
24. What was the first concert you ever attended?
BEYONCE. On the Run II. I am so glad I went because after this year she is NEVER giving us another show.
25. What are some of your bad habits?
I bite my nails. It’s so BAD
26. How are you spending your 26th birthday?
With my amazing family back in my hometown.
There has been a lot of tragedy this past week about the killing and injustices of black people. As a black person, these incidents do not only take a toll on our hearts and bodies but our mental health as well. African Americans are 20 percent more likely to have severe psychological distress than Whites are. Over 6.8 million blacks and African Americans have been diagnosed with a mental illness.
We must protect our mental health by taking care of ourselves. This includes talking to professionals, logging off social media, and others taking time to practice self-care.
These are some of my favorite ways to practice self-care:
This is not my fav. But working out can release stress from your body and your mind. I like to take a nice walk around my neighborhood while listening to one of my favorite podcasts. Some people like to do yoga or run, but whatever makes you feel good, DO THAT.
Who doesn’t love a nap?!?! Naps are the best. Sleep literally resets the body and the mind. Get a pillow and a blanket and catch those Z’s
These are some of my favorite ways to self-care. Honestly, it doesn’t matter how you are practicing self-care as long as you are properly taking care of yourself. As we continue to fight for the justice of our fallen brothers and sister, we must remember that we cannot talk care of anyone unless we take care of ourselves.
This country has been on quarantine for months! Many states are starting phases to open nonessential business back up. For some, – not me – this means that quarantine is over. There have already been many photos on social media of people gathering in large numbers at public parks and beaches.
Being on quarantine can be hard. You are not able to complete your regular routines; you are working from home or not at all; you are stuck in one place for most of the day, and the news and social media sites are continuously talking about the pandemic and how crazy it is.
While quarantine was stressful for me, it made me realized how grateful I am for certain things. Things I may not have been so thankful for if it wasn’t for this pandemic.
My Loved Ones
I want to start this section by showing love and appreciation to my boyfriend, Josh. Most of my family is in SC, and anyone who knows me knows how much my family means to me. It is hard not seeing them as much as I would like. I live alone and have been working from home as well, so I would have had almost no human if it were not for him. He has been amazing during this time. He has been understanding of needs, comforted me when my anxiety is high, and has just been the best boyfriend. I love him so much.
Speaking of family, I have tried to keep up with them as much as I can during the pandemic. We have been on FaceTime, called, text, and had zoom meetings and gatherings. I went to visit them for Mother’s Day and had a fantastic time. Every moment with them is precious.
I have also had zoom gathers and facetime parties with my friends. Most of them have involved drinking but if we are having fun who cares.
While my job does get on my nerves sometimes, I am very grateful that I have a position that I can work from home and continue to receive a paycheck. I have seen and know many people who have not been so blessed.
I have not wanted for anything during this pandemic. I am so grateful for all these blessings and will not take them for granted. This pandemic has reminded me to find the good in every little thing, and I will take that gem with me when the quarantine is over.
With the pandemic still causing chaos around the world, people are finding new ways to entertain themselves. For the last couple of weeks, I have decided to entertain myself my binging all the Marvel movies in order from 2008 to 2019. There are 3 phases and 23 movies in total – according to techradar.com.
These six movies drew me into the Marvel university so hard. The backstories and introductions of our four leading superheroes were terrific. My favorite heroes in the phase were Captain America and The Hulk. Thor and Iron Man were born into wealth, royalty, or both with privileges that allowed them never to have to hear the word “no” or accept the consequences for their wrongdoings. However, Thor was able to humble himself after being cast away by his father and spending time on Earth with Jane. Iron Man never humbled himself!! After almost being killed, he did realize that he wanted to stop creating weapons and focus on peace, but he even did that arrogantly by yelling it at a press conference and not considering the impact on his company. It was during Phase One that I realized that Iron Man was my least favorite of the heroes.
I loved the introduction of other heroes such as Black Widow (Nat), Warmachine (Rhodey), and Clint Barton. They are also fantastic, and I love that Nat and Clint don’t have any superpowers or special suit but are just amazing fighters that can still hold their own.
There six movies introduced many more characters, villains, and, most importantly, the infinity stones. All the leading heroes get another movie except Hulk, which I think is fucked up. I loved the introduction of the Falcon and his super-suit. After watching the trailer for Guardians of the Galaxy, I was confused as to why this movie was part of the Marvel movie world. This movie introduced us to these fun characters (Gamora, Groot, Rocket, and Quill) and the infinity stones, which is a significant trend in all the films. I also think Guardians is the most comedic of all the movies in phases one and two. We are introduced to Ant-Man as well.
Age of Ultron was my favorite movie in this phase. This movie is where I realized the strong dislike, on the verge of hatred, of Tony Stark. He is still unable to check his ego and arrogance, has no idea how to be part of a team, and thinks his way is always the best. He created Ultron, which caused all hell to break loose. They introduced Wanda and Pietro, the fantastic super twins. Pietro, who is super quick and Wanda who has the power of mind control and telepathy. Nat and Hulk start a romance, we see Barton’s family, and Jarvis forms into a physical being. All the makings of a great movie.
I FULLY HATE TONY STARK! This phase begins with Civil War, where our heroes divide on whether they should be under government control or be allowed to govern themselves. Iron Man and Captain America are on different sides. During the scene of deliberation on the ACCORDS, Tony does not feel the need to listen or consider the opposing side but feels he knows what is best for all the Avengers - another reason to HATE Tony. This movie introduces Black Panther and Spider-Man as well. This “new” Spider-Man really shocked me because I have seen the Spider-Man films with Tobey McGuire, and this new guy is entirely different from those films, but the new guy grew on me. Civil War ends with our heroes still on different sides, and ultimately the Avengers are split up.
In the next five movies, they introduce many more characters and our most crucial villain, Thanos. We learn about Doctor Strange and Black Panther, get into Spider-Man’s story along with his father/son relationship with Tony Stark, find out where Hulk has been, and get into Thor and Quill’s family drama. Basically, we prepare for one of the greatest battles that our great heroes face in Infinity War.
In Infinity War, ALL OUR HEROES COME TOGETHER. Every hero character from every movie we have watched before this movie comes together to fight the greatest villain of all, Thanos. They fight (some to the dead) to keep Thanos from getting all the infinity stone but (spoiler alert) they fail. Thanos wipes out 50% of the universe, and we lose some of our heroes as well.
Then years later, they fight Thanos again, but this time with Captain Marvel and The Wasp in Endgame. They win, and our heroes return. Endgame was a great movie, but it left me with a lot of questions.
The Marvel bug has bitten me. I am in love with these movies. I am super excited about the upcoming Marvel movies that I will come out in the future. Like I was saying on my Instagram stories, I have much more love for Stan Lee and Marvel Studios than ever before. Rest in Peace to Stan.
Speaking of Instagram stories, go check out my Instagram page @simply_shasha_ to check out the highlight stories reel of my reactions and commentary to the marvel movies.
We have all heard about love languages. Ever since Gary Chapman's book "The 5 Love Languages came out, there have been many articles around the subject. If you have been living under a rock, here is an image of the five love languages and how you can identify yours. If you would like a more detailed report, you can refer to Gary Chapman's website and take the five love language quiz.
I have taken the love language quiz, and thanks to therapy have even figured out the reasoning behind my top love language. Love languages, like many other behaviors, are defined by our parents and upbringing. If you were hugged and kissed a lot as a kid, maybe physical touch is your top love language, or if your parents showered you with gifts, perhaps receiving gifts is your love language. In any case, it is crucial to understand your love language, so if/when you enter a relationship, you can best communicate how you feel and express love to your partner.
Whenever I have begun a relationship with someone, I have communicated my love language with them and asked theirs to understand them better and improve our relationship. I am in a relationship now, and this is the first time I have struggled with my partner's love language. My partner's top love language is one of my lowest love languages.
As you can see, my top love language is Acts of Service. I love it when my partner does things for me that would make my life easier. Examples would be washing the car, doing the dishes, folding the clothes, etc. I LOVE THAT SHIT. It is also the way I express love. So by cooking for my partner, helping them organize their closet, making the bed are the ways I show them that I love them.
My BF top love language is physical touch, which, as you can see, is my second lowest language. He loves to cuddle, kiss, and hold hands, and sometimes that is just the opposite of what I want to do. As an introvert, I sometimes need my space or want to sit on the other side of the couch and read my magazine or watch tv with no interruptions. That does not always work for my boyfriend, and that is when we have to compromise and make more of an effort to communicate in each other's love languages.
When I cook for him, I am showing that I love him and know he appreciates it, but he is not going to feel the same amount of love as when I cuddle with him while watching a movie. The same way I won't feel that same amount of love when we are cuddling that I would feel when he takes out the trash and washes my car.
Knowing your partner's love language is so important because it's like a cheat sheet in how to make your partner feel the most loved by you, AND it shows you are making an effort to do so.
So when I get in bed, I love being on my phone (I know I KNOW blue light. Whatever) scrolling through social media, reading news articles, etc. but I know this that could be prime cuddle time for my BF so I try to remember that and put my phone down. I cuddle with him until he falls asleep (he ALWAYS goes asleep before me), and then I go back to my phone once he is sleeping.
That is just one of the many examples that we work on trying to communicate in the other person's love language while still appreciating how the other person shows love.
My boyfriend and I want our relationship to continue to go well, and I think we are taking some significant steps.
What do ya'll think?
Do you still dream? I recently realized I stopped.
We often tell children to follow their dreams. However, as adults, we start to feel like we have outgrown that advice. Responsibilities show up, we start to get practical, and those dreams seem foolish.
My parents' generation were not dreamers but practical providers. They worked the same job for 40 or 50 years — even if they hated it — to provide for their family. There is nothing wrong with this mentality, but millennials are different.
Millennials are following their dreams while finding new ways and paths to follow them. Once to become a model, you needed to get discovered through an official modeling agency, but now with enough Instagram followers and engagements, you can become a high fashion model. Creating alternative paths to success makes dreams seem more accessible than ever before.
When I was a kid, I loved to dream. I would create scrapbooks of the life I wanted from the career to the car, house, and even clothes. After graduating from college, I realized how hard it would be to make those dreams come true. I struggled and became discouraged. I started to accept and appreciate where I was in life instead of focusing on some stupid dream I had when I was a kid.
I recently read an article in Psychology Today that talks about the “problem” with following your dreams as an adult. The article states that people who choose to follow their dreams as adults are being selfish and will abandon all responsibilities to follow a “purpose” they have. It also states those who do not have a purpose — it should say who has not found their purpose yet — are sheep or some people are just interested in many multiple things and don’t have one purpose.
I related to this article because I understood the perspective. Some people easily find their purpose and passion early in life, while some take time to find. It is also fine having more than one passion. These things do not mean you have no purpose or passion, but you have not found it yet, and that is also OK.
I read another article written by a professor for the College of Adult and Graduate Studies of Colorado Christian University. His article takes a more balanced approach to adults who are following their dreams. The professor advises NOT to give up everything but to make some sacrifices toward following your dreams. These sacrifices can include going out less if you are studying for graduate school, networking if you are trying to break into a new industry, and surrounding yourself with people who support your dream and possibly removing those who are negative.
The professor reminds the reader, there is no perfect time to follow your dream, and it will be tough, but so is the reader. The professor also reminds the reader that your dream and purpose are whatever you want them to be. There is nothing wrong if your passion is to become a great writer, a fashion model, a podcaster, or an amazing stay at home who raises amazing kids.
Pursuing your dream is about making a life you would love living.
It is important to appreciate what you currently have in life, but there is nothing wrong with dreaming about the life you want and putting some feet on that dream and making it a goal. It’s about balance.
One of my biggest fears is ending up being a co-star in someone else’s dream that I didn’t want but settle for because I didn’t know what my dream was. (That is how one of my relationships ended, but that’s another blog post.)
I am going to start dreaming again and thinking about what I am passionate about, what I want my life to look like, and how I can make that possible.
What are some of your dreams? Share them with me!
I’ve decided that I will start blogging again since we are all quarantined. This Coronavirus is crazy and people are just not taking it as seriously as they need to but I will keep that rant to myself and my Twitter account.
We are on week 4 of The End of The World and during this time I’ve been thinking a lot about how grateful my situation is.
I am reading and seeing many articles about the rise in unemployment, people worrying about being homeless, people not being able to go home and see their loved ones, and it is during those moments I must thank God for the blessings he has given me.
My full-time job is still operational, we are working from home and I am still making my salary and commission. I am currently (knock on wood) able to continue to pay bills and provide food for myself. I do not have any other dependents to worry about it. I do miss my family in SC, and I wish that I could go see them, but I know that it is best for me to #StayHome and quarantine.
In the times when my anxiety is through the roof, it humbles me and brings me back to remember how grateful I am and should continue to be. I must remember to not take my blessings lightly. To be thankful to all the essential workers who are exposing themselves every day, so we have our deliveries, our food, our waste managed, and everything else.
A few things this situation has made me realize are
Yesterday (Oct 2nd), I read an article on Snapchat from Cosmopolitan magazine about a new dating trend called “Zombie-ing”.
Zombie-ing is when someone
This has happened to me before, but I had no idea there was a name for it. Cosmo gives tips on how to deal with zombies when they pop back into your life, so you should definitely go check it out.
Hours after reading this article, a zombie popped into my iMessage. See below then we will review.
Some background on this zombie:
I meet the zombie on Tinder in June. We hung out like 3 times and hooked up twice out of those 3 times, both times at my place. Not really sure why I was ghosted. I texted and called with no response. I put him in the ghost category and moved on.
As you can see, I have not talked to the zombie since July (remember it is October).
He gave me this bullshit excuse that he “thought” he lost my number as the reason I have not heard from him since July. This also shows that my number was most likely not saved on his phone since he had to ask who he was texting.
He offers an empty pleasantry “How you been” without waiting for my response then says he wants to ask me a question.
He then asks…
“CAN YOU HELP ME WITH MY HOUSING SITUATION IF I HELP YOU WITH YOUR RENT FOR A WHILE?”
Now, this is where I got confused. I read this question about 3 or 4 times because it sounded like he was asking to move in with me. However, it makes no sense to ask someone you haven’t spoken to in like 3 months to move in with them. Right??
And he pitched this idea as if it is mutually beneficial to all parties. I like living by myself and am very fortunate to be able to pay my rent without a struggle. This idea only benefits him as he is the one in need of help with his housing situation. I live in a one-bedroom apartment. Where is he going to sleep? Not in my bed and you are not about to take over my living room and sleep on my couch.
If I had a two-bedroom apartment, this ask would make a lot more sense but the answer would still be the same because of who is doing the asking.
My best friend pointed out that the zombie must be really desperate to ask a woman he hooked up with 3 months ago and have not talked to since to live with her. While the desperation does make me feel bad for his situation, the answer is still an unapologetic, unmoving, and unequivocal NO!
The question is how to respond.
I want to be nosey and get more details on the situation. The last time I spoke with him, he was living with his mother so I’m not sure if the mama kicked him out or a girlfriend or homeboy and also why.
Or to be petty and send him a list of homeless shelters that can take him or dog shelters that take strays.
Or just tell him no and that it is fucked up that he hasn’t talked to me in months with no explanation but expect me to give him shelter.
Or just not respond at all.
I don’t know. What do y’all think I should do?
I hope you enjoyed my story of the zombie who asked to live with me and come back next week for more content.